I fucking hate welfare.

( Ragefest '09 Cut for Space )
[/rage]

Nabbed from Autumn for awesome!

(Meme rules: Put your MP3 player on shuffle, and write down the first line of the first twenty songs. Post the poem that results. The first line of the twenty-first is the title.)

Here I Stand Head in Hand

There once was a man, his name was Magellan,
You are the perfect drug,
I am the cat in the middle of the night.

After all this time of asking questions
I got a gun in my hand, but the gun won't cock,
These past few hours have been the longest, darkest of my life.

A lady was walkin' on a midsummer's day,
In the car I just can't wait;
A dragon has come to our village today,
I'll never talk to you again.

Little ditty 'bout Jack and Diane!
People say my broken friend is useless,
Say, Kate, can I ask you a question?


What would you think if I sang out of tune?
That's me at the Mega where we munch on desserts,
Make my body burn.
It's these substandard motels on the corner of 4th and Fremont Street.

God bless,
Es el país de la luna oscura.
You see the corner of her coat is torn and stained with sand.




[edit]: Funny, with 4200 songs, there was only one in a foreign language, and Blink 182's "Take Off Your Pants and Jacket" album showed up twice in the same stanza.

Wat? Mindless Self Indulgence and Dir En Grey on the same stage, at relatively the same time?


I just came.

Michael Phelps beat up Aquaman and took his place in the Justice League.

Michael Phelps is the Chuck Norris of the sea.

Michael Phelps can make the water drain clockwise.

Michael Phelps cashed his plane ticket in and swam Butterfly to the Olympics.

Michael Phelps eats a steady diet of fish heads, dolphin fins, and chlorine.

Michael Phelps sank the Titanic.

Michael Phelps arrived in China riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

Michael Phelps only swims through the water because he considers walking on top of it too pretentious.

Michael Phelps can swim through dry land.

Michael Phelps has enough gold to buy the Great Wall.

Michael Phelps is half-Saiyan.



Michael Phelps is also half-Blastoise.



Michael Phelps was the inspiration for Davey Jones in the Pirates of the Caribbean movie.


God bless America

To whomever it concerns,

I love you. I miss you. You are beautiful.

Sincerely,

Kyle

PS - How do you get marinara sauce out of clothes? You'd think people that work in the pizza industry would know, but nooo.

As of 17 January 2008, my ass is nineteen. Though, aside from referring to my being as my "ass," I feel more like a twenty-sixer.

So, I have a task for you all, since no one did it the day of: Sing the song for me. Either call me (812-774-8795) and just sing it, then hang up or make a voice post (which I totally prefer).

You have to do it. I'll certainly make it up to you on your birthday (and that's actual birthday, not just some day in mid-May).

Also, I dyed my hair dark red for no reason. Pics soon. Maybe. Probably not. No.

The first day of 2008, I was blessed (most likely by Jesus or Vishnu) with a sweet '01 Pontiac Sunfire. Craig says it's a chick Trans Am. But hey, that's the closest I'll ever get.


I tell you that story to point out to LJ that: Hey, I totalled my car about six weeks ago. Wet roads, oncoming van going really fast, sharp turn, bam. Nothing exciting about it except that it wasn't really my fault but I recieved the ticket. Motherfucker.


I actually had a chance to talk to John Poehlein last night (and into this morning, since I haven't slept yet). Talking to him--especially for the first time in forever--always gives me two general feelings: acceptance that I can talk to and listen about the same issues I have and reassurance that I'm the reason to not give up over so many small things.

Also, we talked about girls. The usually stuff.

2008 is looking impecular so far. I'm just waiting for the new car to blow all four tires at once. Until then, I'll continue combining words. Supendulous!

I'm seriously thinking about moving out, but I really have nowhere to go.

It thought about snowing, then it started raining. And not soothing cloudy day rain. Window-less truck, below-freezing rain. This has been the worst December ever: Wrecked car, missing all but one of my finals, possessed truck, USPS sucks, money, insurance, Christmas, having to share a room with my sister, and I have Enrique Iglesias stuck in my head >_<

I just need...something.


Will yaoi for keep.

I fucking hate Brittany Fields.

If anyone is planning a school shooting in the near future, she'd make a perfect target. Or an even better body shield.

We were supposed to discuss the decline of farming in America and its consequences on food supply and mass farming with machinery versus traditional hand-picked farming methods.

Then I found myself arguing with three people over possibly the most inane thing I have ever (and hopefully ever will) argued.

I mean, for fuck's sake, how dense do you have to be to believe that food does NOT come from farming?

Brittany: "What about apples? You don't farm those."
Me: "Yes, you do. If you grow it to sell or eat it, you farmed it."
B: "What about eggs?"
M: "We farm the chickens that lay the eggs."
B: "But what about boxed food?"
M: "Came from a farm."
B: "Nuh-uh! It's in boxes."
M: "It doesn't just appear, you know. Someone has to farm it."
B: "Then why is it in boxes?"
M: "Because people put them there for storage and preservation."
B: "But I've never heard of noodle farmers."
M: "What the hell did you just say?"
B: "You don't grow noodles."
M: "Um, yes they are. Noodles are usually made out of grain, which is farmed on plains."
B: "What about Poptarts?"
M: "The crusts are made of grains, the fruits come from farms, even the sugar is farmed!"
B: "What about--?"
M: "ANYTHING YOU EAT COMES FROM A FARM IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER"
B: "But what about the boxes?"
M: "You don't eat boxes!"
B: "What about sugar-free Popsicles?"
M: *Slams head on desk*

The only students who were supporting what I was saying were a girl raised on a farm and a hunter (which is really the only exception to my argument.)

I mean, seriously, how did this girl get into college? I KNOW her parents are paying for her Delta Zeta lifestyle. But. Just. FUCK.



Then we were to think of an essay topic regarding farming. I decided on a practical explanation of the economics of farming, when the professor said "How Marxist of you, Karl. I mean, Kyle."

Now, I say!!!




In other news: I finished Deathly Hallows, so I obtained *three* new books to celebrate (Literally: "Now I'm free to other literature that I can get caught up in halfway through, stop, then finish three months later")

Barrel Fever (David Sedaris)
I Am America: And So Can You (Stephen Colbert, for both of you who don't know)
The Governmental Manual for New Wizards (Matthew David Brozik & Jacob Sager Weinstein)


Also, about how much would an industrial piercing cost? I could have it done for $five in Vincennes, but the (time x gas) equations is an unhappy one. Many internets for whomever knows!


Last note: I'm going to see the theatrical version of Hairspray on 4 December. Just like with MC Chris, I don't want to go alone. Speaking of which, that dilemma was never resolved either. Dammit!

According to our patron saint Linus VanPelt, the Great Pumpkin rises out of the most sincere pumpkin patch on halloween and then flies through the air to deliver toys to all the good little children in the world.

To commemorate this glorious holiday occasion, the Great Pumpkin Icon MeMe of 2007 has been created.

1. Take your default icon and doodle a pumpkin on it.
2. Copy and Paste this description in your livejournal so others can do it
3. Wait in your pumpkin patch for the Great Pumpkin on Oct 31. :D

I have managed to sprain both (yes, both ) of my fucking ankles.

What's even better is that it was on a delivery, at the bottom step, coming down three flights of stairs. In. A. Nursing. Home.

I used every replacement-swear in the book: "Gosh dangit," "Foot!", "Son of a biscuit-eater," "Dag-nabit," "Fudgin' shoe," "Holy spit!." Because old folks don't like to hear people scream out profanities, even when they kill themselves.

I hate replacement-swears.



It's pretty funny, really.

Also, http://www.myconfinedspace.com/?attachment_id=11304

So 282 isn't so bad, right? >_^

All hail my new T-shirt!

http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=967

That is all.

I have shaken hands with rock gods Ozzy Osbourne and Zakk Wylde, which is something that only about six people were able to manage in the same position I was in.

Ears are ringing, but speaking is okay, considering I was constantly yelling for over six hours. I may not be able to dance all that well, but that doesn't stop me from thrashing about in front of Static X.

<3 for free Ozzfest tickets. Double heart for third-row seats (I could practically see Ozzy's pores).

Kyle = USI student (shut up, I'm happy)


I think a w00t MUTHAFUCKAH :D! is in favor.

My delimma: I have four classes on Monday Wednesday and Friday, and only two on Tuesday and Thursday. Would the 2/4 thing be a problem? Personal experiences? Dropped out of college and became an Argentinan drug lord? (oh really?)

Nothing says "I'ma gonna like dis here college thang" quite like fifty-minute class sessions.

1. Leave me a comment saying anything random, like your favorite lyric to your current favorite song. Or your favorite kind of sandwich. Something random. Whatever you like.
2. I respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.
3. Update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. Include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be asked, ask them five questions.

(Preguntas de cooking_spray)

1. Do you like the Charlie Daniels Jr. Band?
They're okay. If you ever hear me actually say "The Devil's in the house of the Rising Sun," it's because that phrase alone is catchy and by far the coolest thing I've ever heard since the beginning of time.


2. Porn or hentai?
Hentai, of course! As a personal preference (I own more hentai videos (one) than porn vids (zeero)), and because it's just a LOT more entertaining. I'm not dismissing porn, but tentacle rape is funny. Real-life rape (even in an erotic setting) is not.


3. Can I have your kittens?
(*In a Brooklyn-style accent*) Soitanly. So long as ya can catch 'em.


4. 7-Up is superior anyhow, confirm/deny?
Mos'def. 7-Up is the ultimate if you like homemade punch, if you're stricken with dyspepsia, or if you want a nice, crisp lemon-lime beverage with less sugar to weigh you down. Also, it's caffeine-free, but so is Sprite and Sierra Mist.

5. Will you make caroline_faye come hang out with me?
Hey, don't get me involved in all this. Every other day, Caroline and Becky both tell me they want to hang out with you, but no one has made any efforts to do so. Of course, Caroline's too obsessed with Richard to even think about anything else.

Okay, if you're over the age of four, you probably realize this impending iron maiden the economic systems around the globe throw at us: you need money. And if you're to the point where you can't mooch off daddy and mommy anymore, it's time to land that sweet job where you're making 40-plus G's a year. But that requires schooling, money, or an intense talent at performing oral sex. But we won't get into that now. Because you're 18, your dad's on your ass about you being a lazy prat, and let's face it, you need a fuckin' job. Maybe that was too straightforward. But you get the point.

But fear NOT, for Kyle's Crash-Course in Landing an Entry-Level Job is here!

And don't worry, there's gonna be plenty of swearing and sarcasm for you to weed through

Keypoint 1. This is actually an overview of the shit that is the work force: To get a job, you need experience; to get experience, you need a job. And let's face it, those fuckers at Save-a-Lot don't care that you volunteered at a hospis, donated a kidney and a lung to one of Jerry's Kids, AND ate the world's largest submarine sandwich. If you don't have experience in cart-pushing, you're not gonna get the job.

Keypoint 2. If you're applying for an entry-level job, the man looking over your ap probably was suspended from high school (and/or the public library) for something the polar opposite of witholding stock information. Spend less time worrying about how to spell "thirteen" and spend more time on making it where they can read your shitty cursive. Also, put down that you know basic mental math. Y'know; addin', multiplyin', that sort of thing. Even if you suck at it, they won't know.

Keypoint 3. While you want to stand out and be noticed, an application is not the same as a resume. They're all the same. And pulling a Legally Blonde move with the purfume thing won't work. I've tried it.

Keypoint 4. This is most important (so why isn't it Keypoint 1?). If you have a job, for whatever reason, you're 800% more likely to get another job. That is, start out at McDonald's, but keep putting in your stuff elsewhere. This phenomenon is especially true if you're looking for a similar job to your current one.

Okay, so on with the show!

Step 1. The setup. Look around. Be aware of your surroundings. Places are hiring. Unfortunately, the cool places like Circuit City and Wal-Mart (the places with a dental plan and vending machines) are NOT actively hiring 'round the clock. But Subway is. Seriously, every Subway ever is hiring. Anyway, look for the signs. "Help wanted." This should be obvious, but they need someone. Of course, your chances would be better with "Help Needed," because that's fuckin' desparation. But avoid "Now Hiring." Seriously, that means either a) you're not going to get hired (for whatever reason), or b) They'll fire your ass for anything, even asking questions.

Step 2. The ap. Not "application." Fuck that word, no one uses it. Plus, ap is 550% faster to type. Okay, so you've found the glorious, yet desperate sewing shop or meat-packing warehouse. Or you pull a Kyle Abernathy and visit every place that's open and ask for an application.
Okay, when you walk in, ask if the hiring manager is in. They're usually not, for whatever-fucking-reason. If you actually run into one (your best bet would be late Monday evening or Friday afternoon, when other managers would be few and far-between), ask him or her for an application.
If he/she not there (and s/he won't be), ask Bumfuck McKinzee at the counter for one. They'll have 'em.
FILL OUT THE AP THERE. Do NOT take it with you. For whatever reason, managers love it when you can give all your information in one sitting.

Here's what you may need to know off-hand or have readily available:

1. Your Name. This can be obtained from a driver's license or photo ID. And use your birth name. And if there's a line for nickname, that's ONLY if it's your middle name or a contraction/common alteration of your real name (Jennifer/Jenn, James/Jim) AND you honestly are referred to this name 80-plus percent of the time.

2. Your Phone Number. Check your cell phone if you don't know that one. In fact, leave two numbers, a home and an away (cell phone) number. TWO. No more, no less.

3. Your Social Security Number (SSN). If you don't already have it memorized, stop reading, ask your mom where your card is, and study that shit. You should be able to ring those nine digits off in your sleep.

4. Your Hours Available. This is VERY important. Unless you just CAN'T make it to work on Tuesdays because you're, say, a werewolf (and/or a sexy, sexy vampire), put down that you can work every day. If you're in school, obviously make note of that, saying you can't work AND be in Business Law at the same time. And if you're allowed out past 9PM and you're older than 14, put down that you can close. It looks...dignified.

5. References. This is probably the least important part, but some people will actually call who you list. Be sure to write down people you can trust enough to at least say "And despite all the rumors, she can operate a can opener and a calculator." And always put three, but no one from your family. An ex-teacher is great if you don't have two or less friends.

6. Big Words. They stun ignorant employers and impress the more knowledgable candidates. See how I just used a more colorful vocabulary to essentially say ("dumb people think it's cool, and smart people need someone to talk to"?

Anyway, if you can get ahold of the hiring manager, shake that hand like you've never shaken a hand before. Firm, but not crushing. And no gangsta twists, you liberal bastards (unless the hiring manager is black). If the HM is unavailable (again, which is what will happen), ask when s/he will be available.

Step 3. The phone call. It's not like calling some chick you like. It shouldn't be embarassing. Given that you now know when the hiring manager will be in, drop 'im/'er a buzz. Some people dislike you calling, considering "I'll have my people call your people." But if that's how they're going to be, fuck 'em. Most prospective employers value a person's interest, and that heaving sigh s/he give when you tell that bitch/bastard that you're calling to check on your application is that of relief that someone cares about the position. Okay, not really.

Speaking if "checking in on your ap(plication)," that line is so fucking lame and can even result in the most saavy of employers to burn your ap as they cheerfully claim "Yeah, I'm setting it out for the manager right now." Be assertive. But polite. Trust me, it's damn hard.
Employer: "Can I help you?"
You: "Yes, hi. I'm calling to see how my application is doing" (you should probably pronounce the whole word here)
E: *sighs* "Okay, name?"
Y: *Checks driver's license* "Blankity McYournamerson" (THIS IS AN EXAMPLE)
E: "Okay, it's right here, I'll set it out for Craig to read it later"; OR "Mmkay, I'll look over it tonight."
Y: "Actually, do you have a minute? Could you please glance over it now?"

Then you'll either get a rejection or an "okay". If you recieve the latter, expect mumbling, a few "mmhmm"s, and maybe even some questions: "What's it mean here, about your hours/references/nickname?". If all goes well, you'll get an invitation for an interview. At that point, you are free from any previous engagements. The pope can wait an extra twenty minutes if you score an interview with Mr/s. Bigshot Magoo.


THE INTERVIEW

Okay, if you can get to the interview step, you can pretty well start planning on how you're going to spend your money, and inviting friends to come visit you. But still, there are some small things that can fuck up even an entry-level interview.

Notice 1. Be early. Like, half an hour early. Wait around for this person. And don't talk to people when you're waiting. Oh, and for fuck's sake, turn off the cell phone.

Notice 2. Your apearance is key. Shower beforehand. But not JUST BEFORE you leave the house to get there. It's actually bad to be seen with wet hair at an interview. Of course, if it's raining outside, you can totally get away with it. Don't overdress. It's entry-level, and you're not applying for Enron or Disney. Stay formal, yet semi-casual.

Guys: a polo or collared shirt, but no tie. Slacks or the blackest denim jeans you can find. No holes. And wear sneakers. If you show up for a Taco Bell interview with dress shoes, you're over-qualified.

Gals: Same thing, except wear the tie because that's fucking sexy. Seriously, though. A skirt and blouse are nice, but no heals. Open-toe shoes are perfect, so long as they're not pinker than Liberace's loveseat.

And brush your freakin' hair. I've seen kids go in for interviews with hair rattier than MINE. And I'm leasing out my head for the screening of Ratatouille. Smell nice, too. But don't overspray the AXE. If you could actively burst into flames, you're wearing too much spray.

Notice 3. Lie your ass off. You want this job more than you want Freedom. You are a slave to the concept of having this sweet job, even if it's a primer job to use as collateral to get that slightly higher position (See Keypoint 4). You're going to work here either full-time or part-time. Nothing else. Unless they suggest it (such as seasonal workers at Christmas time). You're not looking for a summer job, you're looking for a great full- or part-time job to get you on the right track for success. You can always happen to quit at the end of the summer. Better lie, get the job, and quit than to never score the job.

Notice 4. Ask questions. Once you know you've got the job, because you're suave, polite, and good with a calculator, start asking the benefits and wages questions. "How much does it pay?" "What are the guidelines for pay raises?" "How often are do we get paid?" "Will I be on a fixed or flexible schedule?" "What's the price of tea in China?" "Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?"



Really, that's it. Be sure to have that fake smile all the way, put up with a bunch of crap, answer questions, lie like a felon, and kiss a lot of ass. Keypoint 4 is your friend if you know how to use it!

I'm not going to prom. Anyone have alternative plans for a Saturday night after 8PM?